#121. My First Smoothie Failed.

Guess who just got a blender?

—-> This girl! <—-

That’s right.

I didn’t own a blender until today.

To some people that’s like not owning a microwave.

I hope you’re okay with it.

I mean,

It’s not that I hadn’t owned blenders before.

I have.

It’s just more of a luxury than a necessity in my home.

However, the warmer temperatures have me aching for something ice-cold going down my throat all the time so I thought I’d become my own smoothie goddess.

I found myself daydreaming about the delicious smoothies I’d make.

How I’d make all my friends try them, and how in love with them they’d fall.

Maybe it would become a business.

An empire.

And so it arrived.

Excitement took over and I hurried to the nearest grocery store to stock up on ingredients that would go in my very first, life-changing smoothie.

Should I go fresh or frozen?

Yogurt or Ice-cream?

Fresh ice, the stank old ice that’s in my freezer, or no ice at all?

What about milkshakes?

I’m getting ahead of myself.

Just grab.

Grab.

GRAB that fruit and RUN!

Here’s what I came home with:

It was a bounty of frozen fruits, ice-cream, and yogurt.

I washed the blender.

I assembled the blender.

I filled the blender.

I was ready to make magic with the blender.

I decided to start with the “Tropical Mix” of mangoes, bananas, and strawberries.

I added two scoops of vanilla ice-cream.

Then three stale ice cubes.

I hit “blend” and waited for my smoothie.

I was immediately reminded of how LOUD and irritating blenders are.

How have we not figured out a way to silence a blender?

Maybe silencing it isn’t possible but how are they still so loud?

It’s bone-chilling.

It’s so loud I can’t even stand it.

There’s no way I could work at Jamba Juice.

That blender was SCREAMIN.

Not only was it loud as hell, it wasn’t blending.

Only a little.

Not nearly enough.

I took it off, realigned, tinkered with it, said a prayer, sang a song, and still only part of it blended.

What the fuck?

BLEND!

I added a splash of milk.

It didn’t help.

BLENNNNNNND!

After a solid 10 minutes of trying I had to give up.

Surely I was doing something wrong.

I performed a little surgery and managed to salvage a shot glass worth of smoothie and enjoyed it.

That’s right, it was good.

I’d rate it a solid 5.

It was just the right amount too.

Maybe I’ll work on shot size smoothies.

Add a little booze and see what we get.

I’m going to keep trying.

That’s right, I’m going to blend until I’ve come up with my own kale-infused fruit smoothie.

Yep, I said kale.

I don’t even like kale.

I’m gunna try it though.

Wish me luck.

Sincerely,

Sucking @ Smoothies